Confession.. I can be a bit of a perfectionist sometimes. When I was a kid I had a major fear of failure that most likely stemmed from an unhealthy push towards perfectionism. I was afraid that if I didn’t get it right the first time that would mean I was a failure and the world would fall apart. Ok, maybe I didn’t actively think the world was going to fall apart but that’s what my actions showed.. or at least that my world would fall apart. If I thought someone was upset with me I would shut down or go to the other extreme and do absolutely everything I could for them not to be. Or, if I thought I would fail at something I just wouldn’t do it. So many times I’d scream and resist anything new just because I thought I would suck at it. Never mind the joys of learning, the strength that comes from failing or just the fun of doing something new (all lessons we’re striving to teach our kids).
Even now my tendencies are still the same. Especially if I feel like I’ve progressed or grown or learned something new and then fall back into the same old unhealthy patterns again of self pity, self loathing, and anger (just to name a few). I go through the hard times and I now know that’s where the growth comes but then I fall right back into it again. Then I sink deeper because I’ve gravitated towards my old nasty habits like a moth to a flame and I can’t resist. A lot of times, in fact most times I think I do it without realizing it. Old habits die hard right? Before I know it I’m going through my day and in my mind I’ve told myself countless times already that I’m worthless, I can’t compare to other moms and other wives, I’m fat, I’m ugly, I’m…. Whew. It can be hard living in my head sometimes. Then I sink deeper still because I realize I’ve been saying this to myself and treating myself this way when I know better. The sheer fact that I know what to do and still I do it (Romans 7:15 anyone?) frustrates me to no end and I beat myself up even more.
Dealing with my anger is no different. It sneaks up on me most times. This time it started with my husband waking me up from a nap. I’d been pushing hard all week and had sat down for just a bit of some quiet time. Twenty minutes later I wake up on the couch to my phone ringing. Now, you have to understand one thing about me… I like my sleep. I always have. I wish I were a morning person and honestly I love it when I am up early and have accomplished so much before the sun even rises. However, my body and my brain disagree. I can be quite nasty to wake sometimes. This particular instance was no different. And let me tell you that it’s rough recovering from that. My poor man called me to tell me excitedly that he was on his way home from work and I bite his head off. After a few minutes I could think logically again and realized I was treating him unfairly but deep down the seed of bitterness, resentment, anger and hatred started to flourish again. All from a little phone call.
We went through the rest of our evening walking on eggshells around each other. Me trying to not blow up and trying to not be so angry over everything. Him, trying to not make me angry.. a nearly impossible task. He’d try to talk, try to bring me out of my cave but it was no use. I wanted nothing to do with that. I simply wanted to be angry. He had done nothing wrong but try to talk to me and all I could think of was the anger, the pain, the injustice of the affair…how horrible he was. I just wanted to be mad at him.
Some would say that’s justified. And I would probably agree… mostly. However, I ask when is enough enough? I’ve worked through my anger, I’ve worked through the pain. While it all was justified at the time and dealt with and worked through, how can I still feel this way? When I’ve seen what a godly man he has grown to be, how he is trying to lead me to be better, how he simply accepts the anger without retort, without protest. When his response to my anger was quite literally “we all have hard days and that’s ok. You’re allowed that.” Seriously? How can he be that perfect?! And why couldn’t he have been that perfect two years ago???? And the anger comes back…sigh.
I told you, it’s exhausting living in my head. I get so frustrated with it all. I know I shouldn’t be angry, especially when his responses and actions don’t warrant that. But I do. Then I realized that’s ok. That’s the point of it all isn’t it? That’s what he was saying…it’s ok to have bad days sometimes, it’s ok to fail, it’s ok to be angry. Isn’t that the whole point of the psalms? They’re real human emotion showing anger, despair, vulnerability. We all experience those emotions sometimes and that’s ok. That doesn’t mean I’ve failed, that doesn’t mean I have to start the healing process over, that doesn’t mean anything but that I’m human. The great theologian Charles Spurgeon dealt with severe emotional depression and I don’t know of anyone that would consider him a failure. He was very public with his dealings in depression, in fact there are an incredible amount of resources from him on that subject. He failed, he struggled, he succeeded. And then he would do it again.
The focus is not in the emotions, not in the perceived failures we walk through daily. The focus is on picking ourselves back up, acknowledging that we are human, that we fall back into old habits sometimes and that is ok. We shouldn’t be beating ourselves up for that. One of my favorite bits of wisdom I gleaned from my therapist was this.. “would you say that to someone else?” So I ask you this… the way you’re thinking about yourself.. is that how you would think of someone else? The way you’re talking to yourself, is that what you would say to someone else? Our expectations of ourselves can be so impossibly much. Absolutely no one can measure up to our own personal standards.
I know I will get angry again, I know I will start thinking old thoughts about myself again. I am human and I will fail. However, I also know that by God’s grace I can and will overcome this. I’ve already given my husband forgiveness and will continue to. I know God doesn’t want me to think I am worthless, ugly, undesirable and inconsequential. He’s already shown His love for me, His compassion and desire for my good and His glory. I will continue to train my mind and train my heart in this path. When I stumble that’s ok..I will pick myself up, dust myself off and keep pushing forward…for my good and for His glory.
