So it came out of nowhere… It usually does. We were sitting as a family watching a small little show. Totally normal, unassuming. When bam, out of nowhere I get a flood of emotion. And to describe it as just that does it complete injustice. It was more than emotion, it was memories filled with sorrow and tragedy. It was sadness, loneliness mixed with despair and anger. It was a reminder of everything I didn’t ever want to feel ever again.
We were watching a show that reminded me entirely of the time period that we lived when everything happened. For about 3 years we lived an entirely different life than what we have now, in fact a very different life than we ever had before. We thought it was our dream life, the one we’d always talked about, the one we never thought we would have until we did. But we got so caught up in the dream we lost site of everything else…alas that is a post for another time. Fast forward to the point of this post… We’d gotten caught up in completely separate lives. Have you ever had a song come on the radio and suddenly you’re transported back to a certain moment in time and you remember it so vividly you can almost swear you’re there again? That was me. The show we were watching suddenly transported me back and I felt all of the feelings I felt back then. Feelings of loneliness because we lived separate lives. Feelings of hurt and anger over what happened. Feelings of anger that I had to work, that I had to find family or friends to drop my kids off on because I couldn’t be with them. Feelings that he didn’t care. So many feelings. To this day I still can’t listen to certain kinds of music and certain songs or artists because it transports me right back.
So here I am, watching a seemingly innocent show with my husband and kids and I get the wind knocked out of me. I’m sitting there on the couch and all I can think of is everything that I don’t want to be thinking about. And I’m going to be honest. It wasn’t pretty thoughts. After I was tortured with thoughts of the past it went to thoughts of the present and future. What do I do with all of this? I don’t want to feel this pain anymore, I’m such an idiot. How can he love me and do all of that? Who am I kidding, this can never work.. we will never be the same.. I will never be the same. And guess what…that’s true. I am not the same, he’s not the same, we’re not the same. And that’s the point.
See, what I have come to learn is that it hurts worse when it’s unexpected. No, I take that back…I’m not sure that it’s worse but man it can still kick you and knock you out hard. It’s in these moments that there is a choice. I have the choice to sit in that and let it still kick me or I can choose to fight. The fight itself is not without it’s pain. It hurts to fight, you get knocked down even when you fight. It’s not a one punch and done like a Mike Tyson knockout. It’s being willing to fight dirty. It’s being able to take one punch after another and not just enduring it but punching back. When you come out of it you look like you’re Rocky Balboa after fighting Ivan Drago. It’s not pretty but you fought and you won.
My precious husband reminded me of that tonight. When I wanted to give up, when I didn’t think I could take another punch he was there. He was in my corner reminding me of why I fight. He gave me yet another reason not to give up. I’m grateful for that. I know God gave me that and I don’t know what I’d do without it, without him. I know it may sound silly to some… especially after everything that happened. Goodness knows we wouldn’t be here because of it. However, I have come to understand in my limited perspective that God has a plan and his plan for me was giving me back my husband. He is my reason I fight. My kids are my reason I fight. My family is my reason I fight. So fight. Fight for your reasons because it’s worth it.
