This question has been asked more times than I even know and honestly I don’t pretend to be some great scholar or theologian or even one that has studied this subject with any intensity. I am simply one who has asked myself this very question over and over again. As I sit here we have been devastated in Texas by major catastrophic flooding. It’s taken the lives of so many and the casualty count continues to rise. Thankfully my small world has been untouched and really unaffected by this event yet my heart still breaks for everyone involved, especially the parents of the young campers that were so viciously and violently taken. My heart breaks. To put into words the pain and the agony is wholly inadequate.
As my husband and I were driving today he posed this question to me… how can God let something so horrific happen? Mostly it was a conversation starter for us to reflect on because we’ve had this discussion before but perhaps that’s you today, perhaps you have experienced even more significant heartbreak and agony. I don’t pretend to understand the pain of a mother who has had to experience the loss of a child. However, I have experienced a kind of agony that you just can’t put into words. A betrayal, a heartache you can feel in every fiber of your being. A sense of injustice and why me. I once read a quote that the agony experienced by the pain of an affair can only be described comparatively to the loss of a child. Now, please hear me when I say that I would never compare myself or my experience to that. I would never compare my experience to anyone’s. I only say that to give the context that agony is agony and we have all at one point or another asked ourselves this very question. Perhaps you don’t believe in God for just that reason. Logically, why would God allow bad things to happen when He could stop them? The logical conclusion would be that there is no God and bad things just happen. Can I tell you dear friend the hopelessness in that logical conclusion? This is the conclusion I have come to. There is a good God and bad things do still happen. As for the why, I have no idea. I can say He always offers hope in the midst of tragedy, He always offers comfort whether we accept it or not. Lives are changed in the midst of tragedy some for worse and some for better. I know in my own tragedy when I thought I would die from the pain, when I thought I couldn’t breathe from the agony, when I told God I hated Him for what happened in my life. After all that, He still didn’t leave my side. He allowed me to grieve, to vent, to run from Him but in the end, He still drew me back to His warm embrace. He still showed me His comfort and His healing. He grieved with me and for me and in that was when I truly knew what His love really was. I knew Him for the kind and loving Father He is. Without going through all that I did I never would have experienced this kind of love. For me, I had to experience the anger and agony to experience the all enveloping love of our Father. I couldn’t have one without the other. So while I can’t explain why He does it and I absolutely do not want to relive that kind of pain again, I also know I wouldn’t be where I am right now without it. I also know that at a certain point we have to stop reliving the tragedy inside us. So many times I find myself in an almost despondent and morose state. Half the time I don’t even realize it. Today in fact was one of those days, I think that’s why my husband started up our earlier conversation, looking for something to distract me or open me up. There are so many times I get stuck in the why me of life and the sadness and injustice of it all. And to be perfectly honest there are so many days I just want to give up the fight. Let me be clear, I’m not talking about giving up on life although if you are please please, I implore you to seek out help..there is no shame in asking for help. What I’m talking about is the fight for joy, the fight for enjoying what I have left and not succumbing to the pain of defeat, isolation and agony. But we all do have two choices to make. One is that I could stay in that pain, let it torment me and wreak havoc on my mind and body. The other choice is to put the pain behind me. When it threatens to envelop me I have to say to it “no, I’ve already chosen to fight, I will not walk that tunnel of darkness because I know where it leads and I’ve chosen to live for more.” From my own personal experience that tunnel will always remain there tempting and taunting. But the more I fight it the easier it becomes to say no..I’ve chosen joy today and even if I don’t feel it right now, I will continue to fight for it. My hope is that one day that tunnel will fade. I think for some it does, I don’t know for sure if it does for others. But I also know the more you fight the stronger you become.
So, perhaps you’ve experienced far worse than I have or could ever think of, please know that I am praying for you. I am so very sorry for your pain, for your loss, for the agony you go through daily. And also know that it’s ok to be mad, it’s ok to yell out, it’s ok..nothing good comes from holding it inside. Find someone to talk to, find someone who will help you heal, find someone who will sit through your pain with you.
But also know that on the other side of that is a love that you have never experienced before and it’s a love worth fighting for.
