2023 was my year from hell. In hindsight I really do think God was preparing me for it. I had to walk through it, if I hadn’t I wouldn’t be here now but He would walk me through it and be with me ever step of the way. And I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that had I known what was coming I would’ve run for the hills. But in a way I think I did know. In fact, I remember specifically telling a friend before the new year even turned over that I was dreading that year that was coming. Never have I ever said that. I’ve always been the positive thinking, upbeat…what good things are in store next type of person. I’ve always had defining words for each year…like this year will be the year of renewal, or this year is the year of positivity. But when 2023 was lurking around the corner, the only word that came to mind was dread. And now that I can see the bigger picture, I can see just how gracious God was in preparing me for it.
Some of you may think I’m crazy for going there, that I think God was preparing me for it. And that’s ok. That’s something that I don’t even fully understand. And while I’ve always been a believer..what was coming shook me to the core so much that I even questioned that and whether I even wanted Him in my life. If God was a God that could allow something that devastating why would I want Him in my life? I think that’s the other side of trauma and hear me when I say that I’ve walked both sides.
So, 2023…this is hard to relive, so bear with me. But it’s also important to tell, so here we go. I met her. The woman my husband had an affair with. She came to our house, as did her husband. We talked, we had dinner and we had a couples date. It all seemed harmless as we were planning for it. But when I met her…let me tell you without a shadow of doubt that I hated her. Now, I don’t hate too many people. Most of my friends and family would say I’m an optimist, I’m too nice. And in fact, sometimes I am..to a fault. However, this girl I hated and I just couldn’t explain it. Flag number one. I told my husband that and while he was surprised a bit by my visceral reaction to her he told me he didn’t necessarily disagree but that she was his boss and he really wanted to do well in his job. Red flag number two.
Fast forward a few months, I see a message pop up on his phone. I couldn’t read it, it was from a separate app. I knew he had that app, he had a male friend that insisted they communicate that way for other reasons but I also knew that friend was out of the country and I knew that friend wouldn’t be messaging him right now. So that was my first real inclination that something was wrong and it spiraled from there. I eventually got the gumption to check his phone and sure enough, there it was. Now the bad and maybe good was that the messaged deleted so I could only view what was most recent but I knew they were having conversations. I confronted him, he denied anything but that she was having a hard time…etc etc. Blah blah, same old disgusting excuses. But… I believed him. Never would I have ever thought he was capable of something like this. In fact, I remember telling a friend after all of this came out that this..an affair would’ve been the absolute last way I saw our marriage ending. Finances, yes…disconnect, yes…not an affair.
Now, to paint a proper picture you have to understand how bad our relationship had become. My caveat to this is that this in no way gives him any excuse and he will be the first to say that now. But this is our story and this is how it happened and if I can help one person prevent this heartache and pain by sharing everything then my purpose will have been served.
My husband and I had always been so connected. We did everything together. So much so that we took a lot of our connectedness for granted. Then we fulfilled a dream and moved out to the country which seemed like a grand idea at the time but it put us in a very precarious position financially. So much so that one of us eventually needed to take another job. The nature of his job had an extremely long commute so it was logical that I would be the one to take the second job. So I homeschooled the kids during the day and worked at night. Talk about ships passing in the night. He’d come home just as I was leaving and by the time I got back I was exhausted and he was asleep, getting ready for his next day of work and commute. Soon it became him staying the night every so often in town with a friend of ours in the area so that he wouldn’t have to commute and be so exhausted the next day. That then led to me caring for the kids on my own which led to a ton of resentment on my part. I was homeschooling on my own, taking care of the animals and property we lived on and working that evening. While some can do all of this and more I applaud them and admire them but keep in mind this was not something I was used to nor had we discussed it really so I wasn’t prepared for it. I was used to a husband that had always been there to help if nothing else via moral support and a breather from the kids. And I definitely did not grow up with animals so to be thrown into the midst of dealing with them on my own was hugely intimidating. And sure enough, the days he was gone something would always go wrong. An animal would get out, dogs would be chasing them in our pasture, it would freeze outside and I’d have to maintain and break up everyone’s frozen water, they’d get sick, etc. So midway through the year we were at our most disconnected. I hated his job with a passion and let him know it daily. I hated who we had become but just shut down and disconnected further. I remember thinking at one point that we were just roommates.. there was even a time I started leaving off my wedding ring just to see what it felt like.
So, we’re over halfway through the year when I had found the first message. In hindsight I knew better but I also knew how bad we had become and wanted to believe we hadn’t gotten to that point. A month later I found another message. That was when I left the first time. I could not believe he would do that again. He again assured me nothing was going on, only talking. But after the first time, I couldn’t handle more lies.. again I didn’t think he was capable of that. So this time I stayed at my parents for a few days and we started couples counseling. After a short time I started to believe him again, I came back home with the kids and we continued counseling. We even started to become more intentional about our marriage. He came home every night (albeit sometimes late) and I got up every morning (mostly) super early (I am so not a morning person) and we would do devotions together before he’d go to work and before I started my day with the kids. This was good for a time and then I got a phone call. Mind you, this was super early.. we’re talking 4:30 in the morning. Who calls at that time? It was from a blocked number but it kept calling. So I answered it and it was a male voice asking about me by name. I kept asking who it was but he would never say and needless to say this was the catalyst that started it all over again. I could not believe someone would call me like that and I didn’t know if it was a prank, a scam or what. He believed I was having an affair and just wouldn’t admit it. So, he went in to work angry and hurt and was away from me and with access to her.
She was his confidence, his ego boost. I still hated his job and that he still had to be there (financially there was no other option for us…so we thought). So it all started back up again. Fast forward to the end of the year. I still had been checking his phone periodically and never found anything. There was even a day, I forget if it was Christmas or Christmas Eve that I checked and could’ve found something but I didn’t. I thank God for that. Because if I had, that would’ve been so incredibly devastating on the kids. I don’t know if they could’ve gotten over that. However two days before the new year of 2024 I was lying in bed and had a thought I never had before. A way to check for secretly deleted messages. And guys, I am so not tech saavy.. honestly it’s a miracle I was able to get this blog up and running. So I know when I had that thought, that was not of me. I know God was telling me that it was time. No longer was he going to let me, let us sit under this shroud of deceit and destruction. No longer would He let us continue to wither away. So I got up, did some checking and sure enough there it was. And what I saw was undeniable truth, truth of an affair, an affair that had been going on far longer than either of us wanted to admit.
So I left him. It was 2 am, I had such a visceral and outward reaction I could not control myself. I did not want to look at him, I did not want to talk to him except to yell and I could not be in the same room or house or even city as him and I certainly did not want to ever see him again. So after much yelling and throwing things I left him. It was well past the middle of the night. I woke the kids, packed some bags and left for my parents an hour and a half away. In hindsight I wouldn’t recommend that. I was in such an emotional state that I believe again it was by God’s providence that I didn’t get into a wreck. The kids were unusually quiet and didn’t ask questions. I think in large part because their world had already been upended once before and that’s when the questions had come. This time…silent, except for the occasional hand on the shoulder or words of encouragement that everything would be ok. By the grace of God we made it to my parents and there we stayed. In my mind I thought we were done. I did not see how we could come back from this. So many times our son would tell me that he thought we’d get back together and I would just sit with him, hug him and love him. I could not tell him we would, I did not think we would and I just couldn’t bear to tell him that. I am glad though I told the kids. They were such a huge support for me in so many ways, ways they still don’t fully know. I could not have gotten through it without them.
So, here we were…separated and apart. Each time I would meet him with the kids so they could stay with him for the day/night or he would meet me to return them I hated him even more. I hated that he had put us in this position. I hated that it had come to this and now we were working out visitation rights. It made me sick with anger and hatred. This was new for me. Aside from the initial hatred I had felt for her the year before I had not felt a hatred this deep and vile. But it also ran deeper than a hatred for her, a hatred for him, a hatred for the situation… it was a hatred for God. Oh, I hated God. Most people, especially other believers I know would shy away from saying that or even thinking that. But one thing I’ve learned in all of this is that God already knows and it’s a whole lot better to say it and get it out than to keep it locked away eating at your soul. The thing was.. I didn’t know that yet. I knew the right things. I knew who God was, I knew what to say, what to believe and I tried. I tried really hard. But God knew there was more for me, and He was going to root it all out.
But back to our separation.. the more apart we were the more I was convinced we were done. I started looking at other options…places to move to, things for the kids. Places we could survive, the three of us. Florida was a top contender. Then, thanks to some miracle working family members other opportunities arose and we were able to get into an amazing school which offered a job for income for me. We were also working out housing and everything. Then God intervened. One night I was particularly stewing in anger and maybe a little tipsy enough to let my guard down and send my husband one mean text after another…for about three hours. I was hot, I was mad and he was to blame and I let him have it… again. And I decided to call him…seemed like a good idea at the time. It was after 3 am and I thought it’d be fun to wake him up and not let him sleep like he was doing to me. It was then that I heard it in his voice. I can’t explain it even to this day but I think God wore me down enough that I had no more fight in me and I finally heard in his voice a changed man. He took it, he took everything I dished out at him and then some. See, this whole time he had been going to counseling of his own and in that time God changed him. He’d always known what he’d done was bad and felt bad and the typical responses but this time, he was done. He was done with who he was and who he had been and he had decided in his mind that whether I left him or not he would always be there for us in ways he had never been before. And that’s what I heard in his voice. A quiet dedication, humility and resolve.
And that ladies and gentlemen was my first inclination that there may be hope for us yet. I remember watching an interview from John Piper when he spoke about infidelity and reconciliation. His take on it was that there has to be two miracles. The first being the deep repentance and long suffering patience of the unfaithful spouse and the forgiveness of the wronged spouse. I can tell you we had miracle number one and that can only be defined as a miracle. He was a man I had never seen before even in our 20 years of marriage. I had seen glimpses before and he had never been a bad husband before this but this was different. This was a man who lived to serve me.
It was at this point that God started breaking me down and started paving the way for miracle number two. Now that is a miracle that God worked in me for quite a long time. It was not a one time forgiveness.. it was cyclical. I had to continue to remember what forgiveness is. And each time my husband was long suffering and understanding enough to continue to let me vent and continue to work through it all. Never once did he ever ask if I was over it yet or blamed me for feeling a certain way or was ever upset with me in any way about anything. He took it all like a man, he took it all like a godly, humble man. And that was what helped me get to the point of forgiveness and then get to the point of healing.
Now healing is a whole other thing and we will both tell you it’s not easy. Healing is not linear (a phrase borrowed from my therapist) and there are good days and there are really really bad days. But you learn. I learned. I learned to write everything down. I have a black composition notebook. In it are all of my deep dark “black” thoughts I’ve ever had. Venting, frustrations, all of it. I haven’t written in it in a while but I still have it. I see it sitting on my bookshelf and I know it’s there if I need it. And I’ve also learned that just as I seem to master healing in one area something else will happen. It used to be that I had what I would consider panic attacks. I would have a very physical reaction to a thought or a memory and barely be able to breathe or think or talk. Again, thanks to my therapist I was able to work through some of that. She gave me grounding techniques which was able to calm me so that I could then talk, read my bible, pray or all of the above. Even now, coming up on two years later I still battle. There a far more better days now but I don’t think a day goes by that I don’t have some thought or comparison pop into my head. I don’t know it it will ever go away and I’m trusting that God is doing a work in me and that He knows better than I do and I’m trusting Him with that. If He thinks I need to continue to battle I will and I will be stronger for it.
And that…mostly is the shortened version of our story. It’s still being written and I don’t know what tomorrow brings but I do know who holds tomorrow and because of that we will be ok. I like who we are now. Honestly, we are who we are now because of what happened and without it we never would have become this. I’m not saying I ever want to go through that again but I am grateful for what it did in us. He’s different, I’m different, we’re different and our family is different. All in the best of ways. I’m reminded of a scene from Loki season 2 (our son is huge into this lately) where Loki is talking to Sylvie and he says (not an exact quote) that destroying is easy but fixing what is broken is hard. And that is where we are at. There have been so many times that I’ve second guessed myself, wondered if I should’ve made the decision to leave and be done. And in a lot of ways I still think it would’ve been easier on me. Honestly there’s a tempting finality in just ending things and starting fresh. However, I’m grateful for the growth it has given me as a person, a believer and a wife. That said, I know there are plenty of other people that do not have the same story as we do and I think we each have to navigate our own path. I do believe we could have divorced but our lives would have looked significantly different and I am grateful for the blessings we do have because of it. There are others that miracle number one never came and without it you can’t reconcile. I pray they allow God to do a work in their hearts because I have personally seen the good that comes from that. But for those that miracle one did come I pray for the forgiving spouse, for their hearts that are so broken that maybe, just maybe they can see there is hope that can come.
