I’m sure you’ve heard that saying…once a cheater, always a cheater. I’m not going to lie, that hits hard. There’s an element of fear there embedded within that statement that can shatter me to my core. There’s another saying..fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. I had already been fooled into believing him multiple times so was the shame now on me? It sure felt like it. I felt like an absolute idiot. I was mortified, humiliated and never wanted to feel those feelings again ever. So how would I know that would never again happen? How could I protect myself from that whether it was with him or with someone else? The answer was…I couldn’t. There was absolutely no way of knowing that would never happen to me ever again. He could promise me to the ends of the earth that it would never happen again (which he did) and I could believe him (which I didn’t) but he still could do it again. He may be outright lying through his teeth or he may have the best intentions in the world but it could happen again. I could choose to end it, file papers and be done with him and the havoc he was wreaking upon my heart. I could even choose to start up again with someone else, someone totally different from him, someone who understood me and what I went through…but it could still happen again.
That’s the hard thing in all of this. There are no clear answers. There are no absolutes. I could not protect myself from this happening again no matter what I did. Perhaps that’s you. Maybe you believed him and he did it again, and even again and you’re left reeling with the gravity of it all, the “what if it happens again?” Maybe it’s a yarn of lies you are just beginning to unravel and it’s lie on top of lie on top of lie. Whatever it is, you cannot protect yourself from it all. You’ll never be able to, no matter how much you plead or how much you cut him off. That’s a realization I still have to remind myself of, even now. Because in the end it’s not about what your spouse or significant other can or might do to you that should drive you, it’s what you can do for yourself. And you do that by healing yourself. You do that by realizing that no matter what this world throws at you, no matter how much it drags you through the pit… you will be ok because you are putting all your focus on you, what you need, what you want, who you are. So what do you need, really need in all of this? Not just what you tell yourself or what feels good in the moment… what do you need to build yourself up? What do you want in this life? Not just what you’ve told yourself you should want but what do you really want? It’s only when we are honest with ourselves and invest in ourselves that we can begin healing, whether we choose to stay or not we have to do that. We have to. There is no healing apart from that. We are only lying to ourselves if we don’t and were lying to God. He already knows what’s in your heart so lay it bare.
There’s an irony in relationships. If you don’t value yourself, what God has made you to be your spouse won’t either. They won’t see it, because you’ve kept it hidden. If you don’t stand up for yourself your spouse won’t either. So, in the end..in every scenario you have to work on you.
That said, even with all of that..with you working on you and acknowledging that some things are entirely out of your control. What do you do with the core of this…once a cheater, always a cheater. It’s a saying for a reason, right? I believe there are two types of people in this world. There are those who are that type, they will always find themselves back cheating. There is a thrill they get from it, a seduction. There are studies that have been done on the affect it can have on the brain and there is an affect much like a drug. It can influence so much that they need another hit, another affair…they are addicted. But I also believe there is another type of person..there is the one that fails. The one like David who’ve put themselves in a scenario they don’t want to extracate themselves from…because it feels good. And they fail. But also the one who sees the gravity of it all, feels the consequences deeply and never wants to taste that bitter fruit again.
So how do you tell which is which?
From my experience, and please keep in mind this is one person’s experience and I don’t consider myself an expert on the subject my any means…but I believe you look at the person. I will give my husband as the example as he was for me in all of this. He’s the standard I measure many others by.
He was a completely changed man…He acted differently, thought differently, even spoke differently. I first began to see this in the very beginning stages of our reconciliation. In fact, I believe this was the catalyst for our reconciliation. He was changed from the inside and I was just beginning to see it. And I didn’t have to look for it either. It was completely obvious. There was no justifications, no “well, he did this but maybe he meant that”, there was no benefit of the doubt given him (I wasn’t about to do that anyway)…there was just an undeniable change that was evidenced in his actions and demeanor. I couldn’t argue it away, even when I wanted to. I could see it in him.
So what are some of the ways he changed? Let me count the ways…
He changed in how he spoke with me. He was humbled, he never once argued about anything. He never ever tried to justify anything or deny anything. He simply accepted his consequences and resigned his fate to mine and God’s hands. He never once (even now, two years later) has ever tried to push it off on me. He’s never said that’s it’s time for me to move on already or gotten upset with me for bringing it up yet again or struggling with yet another thing. His response has always consistently been that he is so sorry, sorry for bringing me to this point, sorry that I struggle so much with it, sorry for everything he has brought upon me and our family. It has always been consistent. Never once has it ever waivered. And that’s what I needed to see. But there was more, it was how he viewed other people who struggled with various things, his compassion and empathy. How he involved himself with our kids more, how he led me and the kids not with authority but with humility. For so many years I longed for that side of my husband, a side I never knew existed and there it was staring me right in the face.
See, he had decided that no matter his fate he would remain constant. He would remain true to what God would have him do no matter the consequences of his actions. He vowed to be the man he should’ve always been. And he would be that man whether we remained married or not. And I could see that evidenced in every part of him because it was true. He was determined and he was changed.
I’m not saying that you’ll see everything like I did in your spouse but I am saying that if there is a true change it will be evident. And it will be a change you shouldn’t have to dig out of them. It will be clear and undeniable.
Some of the more menial things he did that helped significantly was he got off social media entirely. He’ll even say now that was one of the best things he’s ever done. He gave me full and total access to his phone at any time I asked. But better than that, he left it out and in the open constantly. He never questioned whenever I felt the need to go through his phone, he simply handed it over with no hesitation or questions. Although it pained him that I would feel the need to do so he never resented it. Even now, if I were to ask to see his phone he would hand it over with no hesitation. He also is unafraid to talk about any of it. For a long time I had nightmares and random thoughts/images flash across my brain. He walked with me through every bit of it. Even when I was lashing out at him he was there, he would not leave my side. Even when I told him I hated him, he would not leave. He was consistent.
There is so much more I could go on about and maybe I will in a later post but what I wanted to really focus on was the underlying question in this post…should I stay or should I go? That was a question I asked myself every single day and I know that is a question that if you are still reading you are asking yourself as well. And that’s a question I can’t answer for you. I can however say, look at him honestly and truthfully. Is he different? Is he trying to be different? Or is it something you’re trying to see in him? Something you’re trying to do for him to hang on to something you probably shouldn’t? Only you can answer that. I can tell you that if you can see the change, God can do some pretty amazing things with that if you let Him. It won’t be easy but it will be worth it. But if you can’t see a change, perhaps it’s time to look hard at cutting it off entirely. I’ve seen such bitterness and heart break from those who’ve tried to stay in a situation they probably shouldn’t have. I believe God can redeem any heart, any situation but sometimes you have to let him break it first.
I hope this helps as you consider your own healing. I really wish I had better answers for you. I can tell you that a marriage restored is so completely beautiful it is worth all of it. And that’s what I pray for you, that’s my desire for your life..but above all I pray you will know the beauty of redemption from the pit and the true steadfast love that never fails.
